Sex and the Church — Adolescent sexuality

Parents and religious leaders have a responsibility to help adolescents and young adults achieve moral, spiritual and sexual health. Many religious traditions, including United Methodist, have promoted a sexual ethic that is summarized as “chastity in singleness, fidelity in marriage.” Few, however, have created comprehensive sexuality education programs for children and teenagers, or programs designed to help parents educate their children according to their values.

I believe that adults have a responsibility to help adolescents understand their evolving sexuality and to help them make responsible and healthy sexual choices, now and in their future. Churches can play a vital role in helping parents influence their adolescents’ behaviors and decisions.

Premarital chastity is an ethic based in ancient biology and social mores. At the time the Bible was written, people were married shortly after they reached puberty. They died soon after their own children reached adulthood. The average life expectancy for women was only 25; many died in childbirth.

Even at the turn of the 20th century, the goal of premarital chastity was reasonable: The average age of puberty was 17; the average age of marriage followed closely at 18. A year of “sexual unemployment” was not difficult to achieve.

Today, in stark contrast, young people reach puberty at an average age of 12 to 14; the average age of marriage is 25 to 27. Religious objections and a billion dollar federal abstinence-only-until-marriage program notwithstanding, biology today has trumped convention. For at least the past 40 years, nearly 90% of people have first intercourse before their wedding night.

Alarm about teen sex not new

But it’s important to remember that concern, even alarm over teens’ sexual behavior is not new. In the 1950s, parents worried about the influence of Elvis Presley and Little Richard shaking their hips on national television. Our parents worried about rock music and the influence of the sexual revolution.

In fact, the greatest increase in the proportion of teens having sex was between 1971 and 1979, when many of today’s parents were teenagers. It may surprise readers that there has been a steady decline in the percentage of teens having sexual intercourse for the past 15 years.

Parenting style can make a big difference in teenagers’ sexual decisions.

Parenting style can make a big difference in teenagers’ sexual decisions. In homes where parents talk to their teens about their sexuality values and have regular discussions about sexuality, their children are more likely to delay having sexual intercourse.

Here are some tips for parents:

1. Start educating about sexuality early.

   It’s critical for parents to talk to their children and teens about sexuality, including contraception and the use of condoms to prevent sexually transmitted diseases before they’re confronted with these situations—which may be sooner than you think. My first book, From Diapers to Dating: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children, advises parents on sexual development at each stage of childhood and how to communicate age-appropriate information and values. It could provide the framework for a parenting education program.
   

2. Communicate values.

   Not surprisingly, how parents address sexuality issues and how they communicate their values about sexuality to their children make a difference. A study of more than 12,000 teenagers from around the United States found that in homes where parents give their preteen and teenage children clear messages that indicate they disapprove of teenagers having intercourse, the children are more likely to postpone their first intercourse and to have fewer partners than teens who have not had those types of explicit discussions.
   

3. Set limits for dating.

   Help young people pick age-appropriate partners. Girls who date boys more than two years or two grade levels above them are thought to be much more likely to engage in sexual intercourse and in unprotected sex.

   Communicating the value of postponing sexual intercourse, but also stressing the importance of contraception and Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI) prevention is important. According to many studies, teens who receive both messages are more likely to delay their first intercourse and then to protect themselves when they become sexually involved.
   

4. Supervise and monitor.

   It should not surprise anyone that when teenagers are allowed to entertain their partners in their bedrooms with the doors closed or go to unchaperoned parties, they are more likely to experiment with sexual behaviors. Teens know that time alone in the family room is likely to be interrupted by other family members, so most curtail what they will do sexually.
   

5. Keep talking and then talk some more.

   It is important to talk about a broad range of sexuality issues with tweens and teenagers and to keep the dialogue open. Parents are sometimes afraid of talking about sex with their children for fear that it will make their children more likely to have sex, or that talking about abstinence while bringing up birth control and condoms sends a double message.

   Not a single research study has found that adult-child communication about sexuality, whether it is from parents, school teachers or religious leaders, causes teens to have sexual intercourse at earlier ages. In fact, just the opposite is true.
   

6. Guide their decision making about sex.

   Some of the most important things to talk about are how people know when they are ready to have sexual intercourse of any kind, and how to set and maintain sexual limits. Most parents have told their children to say no, but not when they might say yes, or which behaviors parents might find developmentally appropriate.

Framework for moral sexual relationship

More than 15 years ago, I developed a framework for a moral sexual relationship. I believe, based on my more than 30 years as a sexuality educator and now as a minister, that a moral, ethical sexual relationship — whether one is married or single, 16 or 35 or 80, gay, bisexual or straight — is defined by five criteria: It is consensual, non-exploitative, honest, mutually pleasurable and protected, if any type of intercourse occurs.

A moral, ethical sexual relationship … is defined by five criteria.

I teach adolescents and young adults to remember the five criteria by thinking the word CUHMP or by a mnemonic of the first letter of the five criteria, “Can U Have My Pleasure?”

We go on to talk about that the five criteria need three conditions: communication between the partners, adequate time for the relationship to develop and shared values. These criteria are more ethically rigorous than abstinence until marriage because they apply to intimate relationships both before as well as after marriage.

Most parents, public health professionals and religious leaders agree that most adolescents, especially those in high school or younger, are not ready for mature sexual relationships that include intercourse. The wisdom of religious traditions confirms that a moral sexuality demands self-understanding, respect and self-discipline.

Teen sexual behavior

Through education, counseling, support and many hours of discussion, adults can help adolescents discern their emotional, physical and spiritual readiness for mature intimate relationships. Churches are ideal places for those discussions.

Most adolescents will become involved in sexual relationships during their teenage years.

It is past time for society and the church to recognize that most adolescents will become involved in sexual relationships during their teenage years. We must offer education, support and services to:

Rather than viewing adolescent and single young adult sexuality as needing adult controls, we must help them:

Questions for reflection

1. The author speaks of a framework for a moral sexual relationship. She lists five criteria. Are there other criteria you would like to add?
2. What type of messages did you receive from your parents and church about sexuality when you were growing up? Did they do a good job?
3. What messages do you want teens to hear about sexuality in your congregation? In your home?
4. How can you support healthy teen relationships and encourage moral decision-making in your family? How can the faith community help?
5. Does our congregation offer lifespan sexuality education as part of religious and adult education? How might we begin? 
   A Time to Speak: Faith Communities and Sexuality Education may help.

Haffner

Editor's note: This article is adapted from What Every 21st-Century Parent Needs to Know by the Rev. Debra Haffner. Copyright (c) 2008 by Debra W. Haffner. Reprinted by permission from Newmarket Press.

The Rev. Debra Haffner is the co-founder and executive director of the Religious Institute. A sexuality educator for more than 30 years, she is an ordained Unitarian Universalist pastor and serves as a community minister at the Unitarian Church in Westport, Conn.